1. |
Cold
02:48
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i am cold for the first time in a week and i finally left my room to find a pink sky
light almost gone and the mosquitoes finally died at least i hope
at the very least they’ve stopped biting me so its finally safe to sit out here
for the last year i’ve felt like if i could just find the right place if i could just get the right stuff and have the right routine i wouldn’t have to worry about ever feeling down
but i forgot to account for the fact that happiness isn’t a permanent state
it’s a fleeting sensation just temporary elation something you experience for a little while
there is no puzzle to solve to unlock it once and for all
i guess that’s more like complacency
so maybe i should think more about gratification because it’s implicit that it’s the result of an action
not a passive ‘wake up and look at my accumulated shit’ and experience happiness
but the word really doesn’t matter it’s the same feeling we’re all after
i just want to not always have to drag myself out of bed
to spring to my feet each day and move with intention
to mostly feel good and be motivated
so i’m learning what helps me is to always be busy
not like “sorry i can’t see you ‘cause i’m busy”
but like i’m seeing you right now and that makes me busy.
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2. |
No News
03:32
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the breeze just barely makes it through the window -
daylight is dulled by panes of dirty glass
the radio receives a signal it’s broadcasted to me
the sound waves travel faster through the grey humidity
and i’ve retreated to my bed hoping for silence
but instead i hear the sounds around me clear and loud
in my bedroom i don’t read the paper i don’t click the links i just scroll past them
through an endless feed of headlines each one is worse than the last one
i just blink my eyes and let it all slide by
seeking comfort is not radical for someone like me
but i get overwhelmed it can be hard to fight against complacency
(if i could just sit still..)
like any other person i desire relevance
but hope that i can achieve it just by sitting at my desk
as if everyone ‘successful’ must be doing something useful
it’s never been true.
all press is good press but no news is good news.
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3. |
Tare
04:52
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i got home to find i didn’t know which way to turn the key
or maybe it just kept spinning like a screw that finally stripped
you tried to force it where it knew it shouldn’t go and so it told you ‘no’
now the screws just stuck and the drill just spins but the wood holds fast
it’ll have to stay like that for now
sometimes my feet get stuck and my head just spins
i know that it won’t last but it takes a day calm back down
but life feels short - trial and error seems inefficient
there are too many projects i’d like to work on
if i could settle on just one maybe i’d know which way to go
maybe i wouldn’t feel so anxious all the time
because everything i do feels like it causes harm to some other end
i didn’t mean to walk on to a balance beam i thought the scale i bought was digital: you just weigh one thing at a time to learn about it
but when you line the boxes up it’s hard not to compare
to think ‘i could be in that one, or maybe that one over there’
i try to focus on moving forward but the compass needle always spins around.
the weeds are growing in my garden - the tiniest bit of root can sprout a new plant just like that and each time i open the door they’ve grown some more i can’t keep up with it
i wish i could do better but i just weigh one thing at a time to learn about it.
so when the screw gets stuck the weeds just grow
but the plants remain - its okay if it stays like that for now
sometimes my feet get stuck and so the weeds just grow and grow
but the garden doesn’t disappear.
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4. |
Other Windows
03:33
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i’ve seen a fucking sunset and yeah they’re really nice
but i’d like to not feel bad for not catching every single one
if it wasn’t for instagram i probably never would have known that the sun ever came up today
and it might even have been better that way
but the picture was nice it had a full range of tones
it didn’t even need a filter and it made me miss home
and it made me miss the trees and windows that let you see more than just other windows.
i can’t see the sun behind the buildings just the reflection in those windows of the windows down the street and the sun sets halfway through the workday where at lunch we can talk about the weather or talk about what we made for dinner
i made some fucking soup and i tried not to think of you
but its hard not to think of someone when you try not to think of someone.
i can’t help but be so impatient because at the same time i feel like i’m falling behind
instant gratification only happens if you put in the time
and when you leave for a year the river keeps flowing
even though it still looks the same on google maps or in photographs on color film scanned and burned to a CD-R from CVS that costs too much
but it does really make the river look good
and so i missed it there but now i miss it the other there ‘cause i don’t give anything time.
you spent almost a whole week in west texas and i’ve always driven though it in a day.
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5. |
Understanding Gravity
03:45
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i have a job which means i get paid to leave my bed
to ride the subway and read my book
to eat breakfast and lunch
you just have to think like you’re clocking in when you wake up
and you make much less an hour
and when you get home and you’re tired you can lie down on the couch
it’s all part of the work day
and finally you can fall asleep and that’s all for you
and if it’s less than minimum wage at least you have a purpose
you’re not sleeping in until two having lunch but calling it breakfast
and my bulbs are breaking through the soil - green fingers point to the sky
but they don’t know it’s still the end of december
they don’t know that the worst isn’t over
it’s spring for all they know but they’ll get buried in snow before they flower
and my cat is gonna die she’s only four years younger than i am
she’s been alive long enough to be in college and she’s just as wise too
cats have a pretty clear idea of what one ought to do
yeah, cats have it right.
they stick to the ground but they can still stand up
but i stick to the ground and i can still stand up.
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6. |
Black Kettle
02:27
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in a dream we were heading passed a town
it was late and we wanted to make it to a campsite
it was cold and i wanted to crawl into my sleeping bag
i was so looking forward to just falling asleep
and then i woke up
it’s hard to know where to begin or what to begin with
when you barely have time or energy to do more than just sit,
lean back, and close your eyes
and i don’t wanna get caught sleeping in because the air feels thicker
and time moves slower but the clock turns faster
and every movement takes a little more than you’re willing to give.
i can’t make myself stop thinking about the future long enough to know if i’m happy where i am
and i can’t bring myself to talk to those around me when i’m always making plans to move somewhere better, somewhere cheaper, somewhere where i can have space - somewhere people don’t all wear cutoffs and have the same t-shirts that i do
somewhere that still has all my friends.
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7. |
Thaw
02:04
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i’ve been drinking coffee and tea out of the same mug without rinsing it and i’ve been thinking that i should get up ‘cause it’s the morning but i haven’t yet because i’m watching the neighbor’s snowblower out my window get stuck the snow turned to ice weeks ago
and i turned to ice months ago and now i’ve got to drive to the city for the show but there won’t be anywhere to park
just mounds of snow pushed toward the curb and covered in all of the dirt of new york
but the sun is peaking out
and all its wavelengths get absorbed by my black jeans
and my skin gets too hot
so the ice must be starting to melt
and i’m setting my alarm earlier every morning so maybe i’m getting there.
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8. |
Ground Cover
05:03
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caffeine headaches and dirty snow banks
everybody is sliding off the road
but it’s starting to clear up - the snow turns to rain
but the road stays the same endless stretch of salt stained gray
i could’ve just stayed at home - but i’m teaching myself to not get so scared so easily.
but we ruined it by walking through it -
it was only perfect until we got there.
it’s not a very practical ground cover.
and if i get so stressed about gas prices why can’t i just download gasbuddy for my phone
do i know i would never stop to check it
maybe try while driving but hopefully there’d be someone in the car who could check it for me
and i know that it just comes down to geography
but i feel like the grass is always greener there
and i know that it just comes down to geography
but i feel like the trees all grow taller there
and i know that it just comes down to geography
but i feel like i can’t be close to everybody all at once.
but in snow world it’s hard to want to go outside
because we’ll ruin it by walking through it.
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9. |
The Same Hook Repeating
02:05
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the party is over but just for me because i left it quietly
i’ll bet that no one even saw
i went upstairs (there were less people) used the bathroom and i slid out the front door.
the show is not over but i left because i couldn’t hear a thing
i wanted to talk but had nothing to say
i rode my bike away not in the mood to watch some stupid band play.
its cold as fuck outside but i’ll be back home soon
it’s only a short ride then i’ll shut myself in my room
i want to work on something that’s the reason that i left
but as soon as i get in i’ll slide into a chair
i’ll look around my room and start to get overwhelmed
and open my computer
and probably go on facebook to see that darren wilson is still on paid vacation
and i don’t give a fuck about some status revelation
so my heart sinks inevitably and my head starts aching eyes glaze over
i’ve lost all traces of motivation so defeated i retreat into my bed
thinking: what’s the use in painting pictures anyway.
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10. |
Ripple Effect
04:25
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they say it only rains if you water your garden
you can’t wait and hope the job gets done
but i’ve got a houseplant inside so i water it and it still doesn’t rain.
the leaves bend over toward the glass like they’re craning for a better view
the action is out past the stoop and they can barely see it
and the sunlight is out past the stoop and they will never reach it
so the ambient light will have to do until the night returns
when you get home from work then lock the door lower the blinds
now the light comes from the inside and you don’t want to let it out
the ripple ends with the window glass
the splash doesn’t make it through the door
the tree grows where no one will hear it fall.
and the day always ends before i’m ready to fall asleep
and it starts before i’ve even woken up
and the seasons are measured in fundraising drives on WNYC
but the days are getting longer and the road is getting clearer
because i got a stronger prescription
but other than that not much has changed so i still check my email every half hour
to see if anything will
i know i’ll get something some day soon.
but now i can’t read what i’ve written on my hand so i don’t know what to do
i had hoped that the act of writing was enough to make me remember
like writing vocabulary words over and over - drilling them into my head
but i didn’t write these words enough
and they slipped into the cracks in my skin
so when i get home i’ll just in my chair with the blinds lowered
when the light comes from the inside you don’t want to let it out.
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Real Life Buildings New York, New York
we are a band and there are some people in the band and we like to play music.
reallifebuildings@gmail.com
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